A letter unearthed in an old manor in Laguna Woods:
To: Benjamin Franklin
From: Yo momma
Benji, why haven’t I heard from you? While you were signing all those declarations and had the quill out, couldn’t you drop me a line? I received your thank-you note for the Chinese urn, but I hoped for a real letter.
Not that your letters are always cheerful. Why do you still resent being one of 15 children? So you had to wear hand-me-downs. So? Your sister isn’t that much bigger than you. If you’re so smart, why didn’t you tell your father that an ounce of prevention was worth — well, never mind.
Ben, there are a couple of things I want to talk to you about. I heard you were seen wearing those stupid tiny spectacles called granny glasses. Are you a granny? No! So stop it! Get something more fashionable.
Speaking of luck, you are pushing yours. Everyone knows about your little escapades. If you’re not careful, your wife — what’s-her-name — is sure to find out. I’ve learned about the new one you’re sneaking around with, Penny Pupnik or something. Ben, listen to your mother. I’m telling you for your own good. The next time you are with her and you hear your wife approaching, you’d better hide her in the vase. Believe me, a Penny urned is a Penny saved. Oh, stop groaning.
I was so embarrassed. A friend mentioned she saw you late at night flying something in the sky that looked like speedos. Honestly, Benjamin, I thought you were over this little fetish of yours
About the stove you sent me. I am proud you made it yourself and thank you, but I find I get more use out of the hibachi I bought from Sears Catalog before he became secretly engaged to Roebuck.
I’m sending you something as well. It’s a hair dryer and a picture of an artichoke. All the men in the village are doing this. Simply brush the remaining hairs from the back of your head to the front. You will look smashing!
Speaking of smashing, that’s exactly what I wanted to do to your nose after I read your latest remark, “When man and woman die as poets have sung, his heart’s the last that moves; her last the tongue.” That was so typically choov …Chauvin …shavinis — well, you know what I mean. One more slur like that and you’ll have to change the name of your almanac to “Poor Benny’s.” By the way, there is no k in the word almanac, sweetheart.
I’m worried about your instability. You have been a cartoonist, a printer, an editor, an inventor, a scientist, a philosopher, a statesman … I mean, how do you think that looks on your employment application in these tough times? Frankly, Benji, I think you need counseling, which is the purpose of this letter.
I’ve learned about a wonderful new therapy group. I’m sure you will benefit from it. A couple of the people attending may be in worse shape than you, believe me, so you needn’t be shy.
One of them, Marie Curie, insists on being called Madame, of all things. Anyway, her husband persuaded her to attend the meeting because she cannot cook worth a darn. He says every time she goes into the kitchen he hears pots rattling and things bubbling on the fire, but when he asks “What’s for dinner?” she says “Nothing!” It is driving him nuts.
Then there’s a man named Morse. What a nervous Nelly he is! Can’t sit still for a minute without tapping his fingers — on tables, chairs, anything he gets his hands on. Just don’t sit next to him … unless you need a massage.
I think this 12-stepper would be good for you. Listen, Benji, I only want you to find yourself, to be happy. Perhaps, if you listen to your mother, you’ll amount to something. Most of all, remember what you yourself said to me: “If a man empties his purse into his head, no one can take it from him.”
What the hell does that mean? Need I say more? Get help!
Love, Mummy
Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A media humorist and former TV host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. Among her works, she wrote the satirical survival book “Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What!” As a survivor, she always donates a percentage of sales of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and the Foundation of Laguna Woods Village. Jan recently published two children’s books, “The Littlest Hero” and “The Toothbrush Who Tried To Run Away.” Currently, profits from all her books are donated to the ukraine.savethechildren.net. Contact Jan at janmarsh@aol.com.
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